My dad is in hospital. Let us get that out of the way first. In hospital with a heart condition that has been described as ‘walking time bomb’ awaiting the call to St James for the big one. Triple bypass.
It is a grim irony that today, on the Day of Hearts, I worry about hearts. Damaged ones. Shrinking arteries. Broken ones.
I could talk about my grievances with the leaders of our country and their tenuous grip on reality when it comes to our atrocious health system. I could discuss the ‘hidden public’ as patients like my Dad are now known, that are listed and ignored until they are called. The hope is their life can outlast the list. It is that grim.
I am that afraid.
I could talk about hospital drives. Visiting hours. Depression. Fear. Anxiety. Watching my mother dissolve and stay strong in the same moment. Being the older sibling who is trying to juggle home life, children, full time job and this hospital sub-life that we are now imprisoned to.
I could talk about how I really feel. But let us not open that reservoir of pain.
This morning is Tuesday. Disgustingly selfishly, I can’t stop focusing on my own exhaustion despite watching my dad suffer this daily monotony of hospital living and my mother rotate her whole world to accommodate it, I think of me. Despite a sister flying in and back from Scotland, so much travel and pressure, I think of me. Despite my little girls having to spend a day in crèche, I think of me. Despite a husband working solid days on a busy farm, I think of me. I feel guilty.
On the constant weight watch, I make a decision. Fully loaded fruit scone with Cappuccino in a little cafe I love. Sneaky moments with the blog. Renergise. Forgive myself the calories this time. Make myself better with FOOD. I can handle it all with a happy (yet chubby) tum. So, I do it.
As Robert Burns once extoled, these plans we have ‘gang aft agly’. (Often go assways). 
This is why I am sitting chewing on something brown and nasty, seedy and burnt, literally NOT my cup of tea. The waiter got confused. I have been given a spelt scone. Spelt Stone more like. Nutty and healthy, I can feel it almost extending stinky, fibrous fingers attempting to massage my aura. No amount of butter and jam is giving this luxury for me. It tastes as smoke damaged as the lost dreams of dead hippies.
I am sorry for insulting the lovers of the health food and please know that I can give it all a fair good whack usually. Just not today. Today I need butter and white flour, sugar and cream.
I can hear a few voices mutter as they read that maybe the spelt might save me from the same fate as my father.
Maybe.
Maybe not. Spelt might spell healthy for my heart but today it ‘spelt’ disaster for my soul.
The spelt is not working any magic right now anyway. That is for sure.
Burns was not joking. Steinbeck had it on the ball. We make plans in life. To travel. To play. To not be in hospital. To eat scones. To do it all- soon. And sometimes it doesn’t happen that way at all.
Sometimes we are made think a different way.
The Day of Hearts. I never thought I would spend it like this. Obsessing over a heart, yes. My own? No. My lover’s? No. ( Though I love you Mr Paper, know that). No. I am over thinking the organ that doesn’t appear on the cards.
Unless it is a medical card.
Praying we can fix it.
Soon.
fancypaper 
I am so sorry. What a difficult part of life you are travelling through. I know you are full of worry and fear. There is nothing I can do to take that away. I know you’re tired and in need of comfort. I don’t think I can do much for you there either. All I can say is this, one day this chapter will close. This too shall pass and you will be yourself again.
ps. On a day such as this I would have sent the scone back. Sometimes food for the soul is more important than food for the body. #fortheloveofBLOG
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Thank you x it is amazing Horwich strength we can have when we need to. I don’t know why I couldn’t just send it back!! It seemed like too big a task at the time😨 #fortheloveofBLOG
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Horrible time for you. I hope all goes well. Thanks for joining #fortheloveofBLOG
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Thank you for hosting x #fortheloveofBLOG
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I’m so sorry to hear that your dad is unwell. I hope it all goes ok with the surgery. So stressful and worrying for you all. #bigpinklink
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I know people going through it all the time but it really opens your eyes xx thank you for your kind comments #bigpinklink
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Sorry that you’re going through this. Be kind to yourself to get through it. Do whatever it takes to get through, whether that is taking time out for you and eating scones! Don’t feel guilty. #BigPinkLink
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Thank you xx I appreciate your kind words #bigpinklink
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Sending love, and cream and sugar and full fat cokes. Don’t feel guilty for nurturing you. The fact you do shows how much you care, it’s ok to need things. It’s what makes us human. Xx #coolmumclub xx
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Thank you for all the goodies🙆and the kind words x #coolmumclub
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I am so sorry to hear about everything you’re going through, sending you and your family positivity and well wishes. And I really hope you’ve been able to treat yourself to something naughty after the spelt scone mishap. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x
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I got the good scone the next day😊thanks for your comment x we are getting by. #bigpinklink
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Sorry I missed this post somehow. I hope he beats the list any you don’t stress yourself onto one…
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He is still waiting but I remain (frustrated) and hopeful we see light. Thank you x
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Despite the painful subject, I do enjoy your writing Orla. Also, I think it is important to think of yourself at times like this. We naturally feel guilty when we do, but we are as important as everyone else in our lives. And spelt scones? Absolutely no way. That’s not a proper scone. As if you needed to contend with a spelt scone on top of everything else!
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Sending positive vibes from me to you 💙
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Don’t be too hard on yourself it’s such a difficult time when you’re dealing with such an emotional and worrying situation as this. I hope you’re dad is on the mend soon x
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First off, my thoughts and hopes are for your Dad to beat the list and for you to have less stress. This post was beautiful, moving writing by you.
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