The Apology Loop
I think all Mammies must experience this. I feel you can get caught in this circle when chatting your friends, family. It starts with a smile. All is fine! The babies are great. I am just a bit tired. When really you are thinking I want to go to bed for a 1000 years and what had Sleeping Beauty to complain about??? Look at the complexion she had when she finally awoke, and a beautiful man staring at her to boot!! But yes, you flash your gritted teeth smile. Your poor well meaning guest. You have just admitted you might not be coping at the 100% mark. What happens next? The back tracking! Ah but they are worth it, you say. They are gorgeous, you pander. The guilt! You admitted weakness! Sorry baby, you think, am so sorry you are beautiful, wonderful, everything to me. There we have The Apology Loop. And it goes on all the time…I am even doing it now.
The lovely youngest Paper is asleep in the next room. Baby Betsy. She smiles all day except when convulsed with griping pain. I feel horrific at these times. The poor little sausage suffers. I should only think about her. Yet I feel so guilty because I want to feel like myself again too. I can’t stop the selfishness bouncing through.
To get through the average day there are several things I rely on.
Mr Paper. He is a farmer, so by my home a lot. I feel like I need his contact so the day will work. He doesn’t know what to do with me half the time and I reckon I must be a moody missus these days but I definitely wouldn’t be without him.
Coffee. Not just any coffee. It must be Azera. Lime (I live in a very limey area!) Has murdered two excellent coffee machines in my home. Miss Marple would have a field day. So I rely on nasty nasty instant. Until I discovered this brand. I think I might lie down and cry if I didn’t have it!
Books. I plan to write about those a lot.
Music.The eldest Paper, Gigi is nearly two. She sings all day, like a Von Trapp on Lucazade. ( I don’t give my child Lucazade, it’s just a poor simile). Old McDonald, Ring a Roses and of course Hey Diddle Diddle. I have spent four months asking her ‘And the dish ran away with?…’.Whereby she shouts gloriously ‘the Boon!!’. How could that not make your day? Back to The Apology Loop now because as sweet as that is, I love my Bowie CD too. And others. The time to write about those will come again. Just as the time to hear them will also return and I will cry for the days my baby said ‘ha ha ha!’when I talk about how the little dog laughed.
I love a clean home. Nappies, silage and dogs are battling me on this one. I mop as often as possible. I dust. First thing in the morning, I have no time. So I light a scented candle.
I live surrounded by framed postcards, old gift cards and any quirky cute item I see for sale. They gather dust and cramp my home. I love them. I wouldn’t be without them.
This is the big thing. My work involves an amount of writing and thinking about literature. I miss that sorely. Here I am writing. This is surely a good thing. It is nine twenty am. I feel pretty good about life already. I thank this writing!
I never have enough! When I am given the chance to ‘be’ I grab it with both hands. These days the bath is my alone time. Once again, I feel guilty when I am immersed in bubbles and I can hear Betsy give her Daddy Paper a hard time. The Apology Loop? Here we are again!
I am a follow through person. So plans to visit Kate on Monday, go to the chemist on Thursday etc are all achieved here. I have promised to work on happiness in this blog. I plan to follow through!
Bear with me, if you do read my rambles, as I am learning to work this world of the blog. I am using my mobile. Would you believe I have no Internet connection except this! Broadband is still what I needed on my maternity pants and no more! I will write again x